Well, it’s not as bleak as it was a year ago, when I felt like I was running on a treadmill I desperately didn’t want to be on. I feel like there has been some amount of progress, and I’m currently in the thick of it. As of now:

See how I’m not dancing here AND I’m in normal people clothes
  • I am still not employed as a dancer
  • I work in customer service
  • My shoes and coat are hella expensive because of job perks
  • But I am mostly living paycheck to paycheck and parental generosity (they’re amazing)
  • I am struggling to get 15 hours of technique in a week
  • I haven’t performed in awhile and I feel rusty and unchallenged
  • I am hardened to the druggies asking for money by the food carts
  • I’m constantly in the studio in a non-class sort of way (but I love my work study position…I’ll write a whole thing about that)

It’s like I knew this giant swim was coming, I was on the beach and could see the never ending water, and I’m in it now, fine and floating but still not in sight of shore. I am technically “out there,” in the real world, trying to make it as a dancer, trying to remember all the amazing things I’ve learned through dance and doing lots of things I don’t want to be doing in order to dance, but I feel like I’m not dancing as much as I should be.

Finally in class

The only real solution I can come up with is to dance more (somehow) and get good enough to get into a company, big or small, so that I get more performance experience and exposure. But I’m not progressing like I want to be. I feel like I’ve gone backwards.

It’s so hard to concentrate on my real work when I’m “working,” and barely making any money. I do work study at the fabulous Northwest Dance Project, I sell expensive shoes at Johnny Sole, and I’ve sent out another round of Starbucks applications. I feel like I have too much downtime, even though I’m out most days of the week. The more momentum I have built up, the easier it is to go, even if it does make for 12 hour days (morning ballet >work>evening class). I desperately want more money, only so that I can go ahead and spend it on dance again (leotards. auditions. intensives. ballet slippers. Have I mentioned I haven’t worn ballet slippers in a whole year now?)

But it’s all going to be for naught if I don’t get my skill level up. If I can’t stop eating those 2-for-1 Safeway cookies they’re so good you guys I can’t stop and get my waistline down to fit into costumes.

This is a frazzled, rambled first post. I know things are going to start happening, though, so I figured I would put it in a blog, since my journals are hard to read, and it’s basically an online scrapbook anyway. So, cheers.

Class of the day: NONE 😦  I failed to get out of bed at 7 – not living on campus makes getting to class a lot more arduous of a process. Here’s looking to tomorrow.